By: Jonathan Goad
The quarterback position is difficult to play in real life. Trust me, I’ve tried and failed. Being an actor who has to play a quarterback might be even harder because said actor probably doesn’t have any quarterback experience. You can’t just throw any actor into the QB spot. They’ve have to at least look like they know what they’re doing.
Rating fictional quarterbacks is tough. Most of these guys we only see for a season or less. So in my rankings, I’ll look at a combination of things. Things like ability, leadership, heart, and the “It” factor will be taken into consideration. I’ll also take into consideration which guys I’d want as my quarterback. Who’s the guy that can rally the troops when you’re trailing by 6 with a minute left in the game and you have to go 65 yards for a score?
Now that you’ve got an idea to how I’m ranking these fake quarterbacks, let’s get started.
- Alex Moran – Blue Mountain State
Moran gets the ten spot simply because his “want to” would be in question. Moran is more of a partier who happens to play football. He starts out as a backup QB who ends up in the starter’s role. However, Alex Moran never quite seems “all in” for football. He’s got the ability to play the position and does it quite well in the show, but there’s something lacking from Moran. Although, after he helped lead the team to victory, you know there would be a heck of a party with Moran leading the charge.
- Paul Crewe – The Longest Yard (Adam Sandler version)
There’s no doubt that Crewe (Sandler) has the athletic ability. He’s starred in two football movies. Crewe has to lead a group of convicts to play together to embarrass the men who guard them. His heart is never in question. The issue with Crewe is whether he would shave points, something he admitted to doing and asked to do by the warden. For that reason, I’m not sold on him leading my team. Although, after watching the clip below, there’s definitely worse options.
- Jerry “Rev” Harris – Remember the Titans
Sure, he’s athletic, can throw the ball well, and run the veer, but it’s Rev’s leadership that gets him on this list. Anytime you had your back against the wall, Rev would have something inspirational to say, usually a Bible verse, hence the nickname “Rev.” There’s no doubt in my mind that he could rally the troops with an inspiring speech right before the final drive.
- Matt Saracen – Friday Night Lights (TV)
There’s not a QB on this list who went through the things Saracen had to deal with. Yes, Paul Crewe was in prison, but that was of his own doing. Saracen had everyone but his grandmother leave him. His dad died serving in the military. His mom walked out on him. He had to take care of his grandma who had dementia and lead his varsity team. Matt Saracen is not the most athletic player on this list, but I’d go to battle with him because I knew he could get us through it.
- Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass – Remember the Titans
Sunshine gets thrown into the mix because of an injury to Rev. However, he makes the team with one throw. He has an absolute cannon for an arm. If my team needs to march down the field quickly, why not have a guy who can throw it as far as anyone? He also does a nice job of calming the Titans down after Rev’s injury. Sunshine might be higher on this list but to quote Coach Boone, he can “throw it a mile, but can’t pitch it three yards.” He also kissed Gerry Bertier…
- Lance Harbor – Varsity Blues
Lance Harbor (Paul Walker) is the quarterback who suffers a season (possibly career) ending injury. Before he gets hurt, however, Harbor lights up opposing defenses. Talent-wise, he might be the best quarterback on this list. He’s got the skillset to lead any offense. He also shows off how smart he is by filling in as the play caller after Bud Kilmer gets kicked off the team. The reason he isn’t higher is because we don’t know what kind of heart he has. It’s not shown in the movie. Sure he’s a great player, but is he willing to give more than he ever has when the game in on the line? He may be more suited for coaching.
- Willie Beamen – Any Given Sunday
Willie Beamen is by far the best athlete on this list. It also helps that he’s played by Jamie Foxx who is extremely talented himself. He can throw the football well, but it’s the plays he can make with his legs that put him high on this list. He does have a bit of an ego that could be an issue, but when it comes down to it, Willie Beamen is going to give it everything he can. Plus he recorded a song about himself, music video (NSFW) and all.
- Shane Falco – The Replacements
Falco’s heart is incredible. He’s fairly talented as well. Falco is a former college star QB who gets called on during a players’ strike. He leads a team of guys who couldn’t make it on their first try. Falco has the ability not only physically, but mentally to lead a team to victory.
- Joe Kane – The Program
Yes, Joe Kane is an alcoholic. Yes, he probably shouldn’t drive a motorcycle. Yes, he shouldn’t stand in front of trains. Joe Kane is also a Heisman front runner. He’s as skilled as a passer as any of these guys. He has great leadership qualities and probably the best line in any football movie. His grit and determination would be welcomed on my team any day of the week. Heads up, there’s some adult language in the clip below.
- Jonathon Moxon – Varsity Blues
Again, there’s adult language in the clips below.
Mox may be the most fearless player on this list. He’s a great leader and a better-than-good quarterback. Any player who will tell off a historic head coach and then turn right around and motivate the team can be my quarterback. Mox realizes the insignificance of high school football and the importance of leaving everything on the field. His locker room speech gets me fired up every time I see it. He may not want football to be a part of his future, but you can bet that he’s going to give it all one last time. Mox definitely has the most heart on this list.
Honorable Mentions: Vince Howard – Friday Night Lights (TV), Joe Kingman – The Game Plan
Who did I leave out? Which quarterback would you want to lead your team on a potential game winning drive? Let us know!