By: Blake Probert

Bring it in close and grab a knee, kids. I want it to happen, you want it to happen, John Mozeliak wants it to happen….It’s not gonna happen.

Every time I pop open the ol’ Twitter machine, I see the fictional contract offers. Projected lineups with Harper in the three hole. Crazy scenarios where the Birds land another star in free agency and the team is magically stacked going into next season. That is all going to remain in the realm of the hypothetical.

I’ve heard the arguments for why bringing Bryce to the Lou is an actual, factual possibility.  Here’s what they amount to at this point:

1. He’s a noted student of the game who loves it’s history and St. Louis is steeped in baseball history.

2. The Cardinals have the money to spend

3. He tweeted a nice thing about St. Louis in 2013

2013 people! Do you know how long ago that was!?! If one of your key arguments for landing one of baseball’s biggest free agents ever is a nice tweet from the year Sharknado was unleashed on the world, you need psychiatric help.

I’m one of the biggest advocates for this move you will find. I desperately want the Cards to have that marquee guy— a personality and talent that automatically makes them one of the most relevant teams in the sport. The Cardinals’ collection of homegrown talent is strong, but that type of a dynamic player has been missing ever since Albert Pujols moved out to California.

That doesn’t mean I can’t be realistic about it. Harper is 26 and about to have an income greater than the GDP of most nations on the planet…. he’s going to want to live somewhere better than St. Louis.

For all the Schlafly beer and toasted ravioli in the world, STL isn’t even the first city in the state of Missouri I’d pick to live in. (What up KC?) It’s a tough pill to swallow, but the midwest (outside of Chicago) just isn’t that appealing to young people with hundreds of millions of dollars at their disposal when they could be in major media markets on the coasts.

I hope I have to eat my words on this. My gut tells me I won’t. Its best to begin tempering our collective expectations now. Lower your free agents standards and hope that we might be active in the trade market for a stud reliever or something, and pray that we don’t get stuck with the twilight years of Josh Donaldson.

(This is what a reverse jinx looks like)