By: Blake Probert
We keep things Paul George here at Bantercamp (PG-13 for those not up on their NBA nicknames) but if you can’t figure that headline out, take a quick NSFW trip over to the Urban Dictionary for me. Okay, now that were on the same page, let’s get into it. Fair warning, this is a fantasy football story and I know people love hearing other folks’ fantasy tales….
Nothing is sacred in Fantasy Football, we all know that. It’s a desperate attempt to prove cognitive superiority over your friends, foes and co-workers alike. Everyone looking to implement a brilliant strategy that will help crush their enemies and see them driven before them.
All that makes what I experienced this week so good.
Like many people, my team in my favorite league is beset on all sides with byes this week. With Andrew Luck among them, and serving as my only rostered QB, some moves were in order. Certainly, I thought, this was a perfect time to put in a reasonable FAB bid for a dose of FitzMagic… what with Ryan Fitzpatrick set to return as the starter for Tampa Bay. Knowing that Fitz All Mighty would be a hot commodity, I decided to hedge my bets by throwing some fantasy dollar bills at Dak Prescott, too. I was covering my bases like a champ, real pro stuff.
Imagine my shock when I woke up the next morning to no notifications announcing the successful completion of either transaction. I had been C-Blocked on the waiver wire. My surprise only grew when I discovered that my opponent this week, the obvious prime suspect, hadn’t been the one to do so. This, as Toby Keith would say, was a mighty sucker punch from somewhere in the back. (Last ever Toby Keith reference, I swear.)
You see, I sit in a three way tie for the lead of a division with my commissioner and a fella we’ll call Eli. Eli and I have a somewhat… antagonistic relationship; he’s only serious plotted to have me kidnapped once. Anyway, Eli had decided to spend one third of his free agent budget on my desired fill in QBs. Perhaps Eli was in need of a QB as well you ask? Negative. Dak and Fitz were his fifth and sixth QBs on the roster with no one on bye. It was a straight up hit job…. pure spite.
Now I’m seriously thinking things like “Brock Osweiler has looked pretty good recently”. Yikes…
Naturally, you might think I’m here to pout…. To lament the lack of a positional limit in the league… To ask that we play the game the right way or to call Eli a big dumb jerk with a face as ugly as a butt.
I’m only mad I didn’t think to do it to someone else first; it was brilliant and hilarious. I encourage everyone to go do it to someone they love/hate right now if they still can. Eli thought he ruined my week, I’m sure. Instead I’ve been telling the story for laughs all week. Frankly, I’m proud. I’ll leave judgment to the fantasy Gods should they decide some karmic vengeance is in order.
Sure this week might get a little dicey, but to paraphrase the greatest President these United States have ever had, I’m going to live on… I’m going to survive!