Amid ever-rising ticket prices, the NBA looks to add value to their product in the most ridiculous and insulting ways possible

The popularity of the NBA is at a level that hasn’t been seen in decades, and the money is rolling in. The Association is everywhere you look. From commercials featuring countless players you’ve probably never heard of, to constant coverage on ESPN, to your 12-year old nephew updating you of Swaggy P’s latest sexual partner, the umbrella of professional basketball is inescapable.

The league has very few blemishes on its shiny reputation, as of late, so it’s no surprise that one of its main problems is a basic one.

As the 2018-19 regular season approaches, we’re reminded that NBA ticket prices have long been unreasonably expensive for the average fan, and for most franchises, the average prices have only gone up in recent years. Even a team like the toilet-slurping Denver Nuggets (yeah, they still have a team) have increased their average ticket price by nearly 30% over the last few years. The league is proud of its dedication to inclusiveness and diversity, and it should be, but if you’re in a poorer demographic, not willing to spend an average of $78 on a basketball game, your inclusion into the arena is probably in doubt.

To add value to these high-priced tickets, several NBA franchises are considering various add-ons to entice potential buyers, and they’re so stupid, it just might work.

In Your (Kissy) Face!

Photo credit to Reddit

Always dreamed of being on the, “kiss cam?” Well, now’s your chance. The Portland Trailblazers are considering a themed, lower bowl ticket that would guarantee your inclusion in the second-least romantic aspect of professional sports, right behind jumbotron marriage proposals. For just ten extra dollars, you can guarantee your pathetic mug hits the big screen for all the Blazer faithful to gaze upon.

Hoping to force your second date into an awkward smooch? Kiss cam! Want to rekindle the romance of your failing 3rd marriage with an impromptu peck of embarrassment? Kiss cam! Want to ruin Thanksgiving by publicly nudging your brother into making out with your mom at a basketball game? KISS CAM!

DJ Like Nobody’s Listening

Photo credit to Giphy

Over the last decade, an NBA game has become as much of a concert as it is a basketball display. Music is constantly blaring throughout the arena, generally being played by a professional disc jockey. Timeouts, halftime, out of bounds plays, even bringing the ball up-court has been unfulfilling enough for viewers that music had to be added.

Most fans enjoy these moments of hip hop Muzak, but what if YOU could decide what songs play? Maybe you can!

The Minnesota Timberwolves are discussing a season ticket package that would allow select patrons to DJ during various moments of whatever game they choose.

Tired of hearing Outkast during every timeout? Replace it with Swedish death metal! Want to make Kyle Korver cry real tears as he dribbles into a half court set? Blast something from the, “Star Is Born,” soundtrack. That should do it.

Home court advantage: achieved.

The NBA will only grow in the coming years. They have a firm grip on a youthful market that not only appreciates world-class athletic entertainment, but also thirsts for needless, obnoxious bells and whistles. As ticket prices continue to increase, plenty of 20-somethings will be completely priced out of
the in-person game experience. But, perhaps the exorbitant price isn’t as important as erotically massaging the buyer’s narcissistic tendencies. Make fans truly believe the game is all about them. If the league can do that, they’ll be able to charge whatever they want.

Categories: NBA

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