MLB

Tailgating 101: Make your experience the best by being the absolute worst

Tailgating. A timeless tradition for so many sports fans around the world. The comradery, the food, the booze, the physical assaults. It’s all so special. Everybody has their own way of creating parking lot magic, but is there a WRONG way to tailgate? Maybe, maybe not, but one thing is for sure. There’s certainly a RIGHT way to loiter outside of a stadium. From family barbecue recipes to tent-hopping to politely shooing a wandering dog to sucking face with a random woman with a football printed on the ass of her sweatpants, tailgating offers a little bit of everything. If you’re a tailgating virgin and are soon-to-be deflowered by a collection of rowdy sports fans (lucky you), here are a few can’t-miss moves that will take your pregame experience to the next level.

  1. Get Drunk

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This probably goes without saying, but you’d be surprised. There’s nothing worse than a sober tailgater. They’re quiet, reliably logical and rarely violent. Their clear-mindedness goes against everything this event stands for and, because of that, they’re mocked, ridiculed and often beaten unmercifully for their straight-edged endeavors. Unless you want the shit kicked out of you as AC/DC blares from the speakers of a customized school bus, this isn’t the way to go. Tailgating means getting absolutely plowed as quickly as possible so be sure to drink up. Shots are a good way to start and, if you’re lucky, you may end up slurping tequila off a middle-aged woman’s (or man’s) ample bosom. It’s extremely standard. You’ll see.

  1. Get Some

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Body shots or not, you’ll quickly realize that a tailgate is one of the most erotic and romantic places on the planet. As the discount beer cascades down the gullets of Jim and Jane Idiot, it’s only a matter of time before the drunken rowdiness turns amorous. Don’t be alarmed if you see numerous manatee-sized couples knockin’ boots in Lot B. The sight can be jarring at first, but once you realize how natural it is, you’ll be hard-pressed not to join in. Sure, the mile-high club is great for frequent flyers, but the only rush greater than a bang session at 30,000 feet, is a sweaty three-way behind a Ford Taurus. The highs wouldn’t be as high without the lows, and it doesn’t get much lower than scrogging a stranger next to a grill full of burgers. Embrace it. You’ll be happy you did.

  1. Threaten A Stranger

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People bounce around at tailgates. One minute, you’ll be hanging with your slurring buddies, contemplating how many beers you can sneak into the game, then, suddenly, you’ll find yourself surrounded by total strangers, under a canopy of mystery, standing in a warm puddle of vomit. Don’t be alarmed. This is fine. What you’ll want to do next is befriend a stranger. Shake their hand. Discuss the team. Get to know them. Then, as quickly as the bond formed, destroy it. Call them a, “bag of dicks,” or something similar. Remark on the girth of their significant other. Threaten to run them over with your Nissan. Have someone hold you back. Soon, you’ll be whisked away, back where you belong; back with your friends and family. Don’t concern yourself with the time you lost while away from your group. There will be plenty of chances to insult and threaten Aunt Sheila. Trust me.

So, there you have it. Tailgating can be one of life’s great pleasures, but to get the most out of it, you must embrace the quiet awfulness that lives inside all of us. These are just some introductory suggestions to help make your pregame ritual more exciting, but don’t obsess over them too much. You probably won’t remember any of it anyway.

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