Much like all of you fantasy football degenerates, BanterCamp’s draft included the stereotypical “fantasy football guys/gals,” with all of the usual stereotypical suspects in attendance.
By Neil Harrington
The inaugural BanterCamp Fantasy Football Draft hit all of the right (stereotypical) notes, ones that any fantasy football player can relate to.
We scarfed down pizza and wings. Downed some ice-cold beer. Our team names our full of sexual innuendos; things that would get you fired from respectable places of employment. It was an evening full of friends and fun; with some of the worst draft picks that you could possibly imagine.
Our method for picking in the said draft is the coolest, and cutest, way imaginable, with one of our younglings picking toy blocks with the initials of each team. Whoever she picked first got first pick, second, third, and so on.
We undoubtedly will start a new trend, since us here at BanterCamp are trendsetters, not followers, ya’ll.
Fantasy football becomes more important than everything else in life.
Caring more about fantasy football than their job or school
— Things White Folks Like (@Things4WhitePpl) September 6, 2018
For those fantasy “experts” in attendance, I’m going to let you guess which one of these “Guys” or “Gals” you happen to be. If you can’t figure it out which category you fall under, I don’t know what to tell you.
Without further ado and in no particular draft-order, the BanterCamp 2018 Fantasy Football squad — who all fall into one (perhaps multiple) of these predictable stereotypes.
- The New Guy
- Incognito Guy
- The Commish
- Drunk Guy
- The Token Girl
- I Missed the Draft Guy
- Stat-Geek Guy
- The Gracious Host
- The Token Funny Guy
- Draft-board Wench
The New Guy
Each draft includes at least one fantasy football virgin. Their inexperience is evident early on with four of their first five selections being “homer” picks. The entire Chiefs roster was off the board and on this guy’s roster by the 10th-round.
If you think that’s pathetic, this Guy strongly considered taking Patrick Mahomes when Aaron Rodgers was still on the board.
However, the New Guy caught a lucky break after making the worst pick in the first round, selecting Deandre Hopkins over Le’Veon Bell with the second overall pick.
However, that pick isn’t looking quite so bad with no-show Bell going incognito on the NFL and on his fantasy football owners.
Unfortunately for the New Guy, his luck will run out quickly, when he’ll discover quickly how tough it is to win in fantasy football — especially with a roster full of underachieving Chiefs.
Speaking of going incognito. Our league includes someone so important that we cannot tell you who he (or she) is. Seriously. Said person’s job is so top secret, he (or she) may even be more important than the President of the United States.
However, in our league, he (or she) is just another Joe (or Jane) Schmoe — and we could care less about this person’s (perceived) worth.
We cannot even tell who or how he/she drafted. It could potentially be a national security breach.
At the risk of being silenced by the Government, I will tell you that the Token Girl drafted his (or her’s) entire squad for him. Incognito is way too important to research fantasy football statistics for him (or her) self. It’s beneath them.
If Incognito wins the league, the money will vanish too, going straight in the Commish’s bank account. You can’t have it both ways, Incognito. Sorry, not sorry.
The league Commissioner, or the Commish, is the one who organizes everything in the league. From the fantasy football draft location to the setting the league scoring system is cutting edge — which is ten years ahead of its time — the Commish has connections left and right across the entire country.
“Yeah, I know a guy — who knows a guy.”
He should be the new poster boy for the “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.”
The Commish is also a savvy vet who has a hunch on all the fantasy football sleepers. He also takes chances on troubled NFL players. Josh Gordon and Mark Ingram are on his roster, making his team have a slight mobster-like vibe.
I am convinced that the Commish is genuinely Tony Soprano or Gus Fring in disguise.
Each fantasy football draft has that one Drunk Guy in attendance or drafting from the comfort of their own home. Location makes little difference, with Drunk Guy being black-out drunk before the fantasy football draft even begins.
Drunk Guy believes that he is the Token Funny Guy, but he’s actually the “Donation Guy” or the “Thanks for your Money Guy” to the rest of the league.
Typically in Round 15, Drunk Guy will slur, “I’ll take Rob Gronkowski.” One of the sober members of the group then breaks the bad news to Drunk Guy.
“Bro, Gronk went like three hours ago — in the second round.”
Drunk Guy doesn’t miss a beat and selects his third kicker of the evening.
It’s all fun and games until Drunk Guy wakes up in the morning, finally sober; realizing that his roster is doomed for a perfect season in reverse — 0-13.
The Token Girl
For some reason, every league generally underestimates the Token Girl. However, while Drunk Guy is selecting kickers and waiting for Gronk to fall to him in the 15th round, the Token Girl is putting together a championship roster.
Her roster is never flashy but full of stability and grit. Depth.
The rest of the league believes the Token Girl is only in the league because her husband is, or to have some eye candy, or that the league is desperate for one more player to make it a round number.
Even though none of those things are true, Token Girl embraces such lies, using them fully to her advantage.
The Token Girl will smile, put on the charm, and then savagely kick your ass each week — grinning from ear to ear when she makes that trip to the bank at the end of the season.
I Missed the Draft Guy
In most fantasy football leagues, I Missed the Draft Guy has one up on the other league members. He gets one of his smart friends to draft for him and ends up with one of the best squads in the league, without doing any work whatsoever.
Not in our league.
If you miss the draft, you’re going to pay and pay dearly. I Missed the Draft Guy has the honor and privilege of drafting blind. Each round, they get two guesses/chances to select someone, hoping they are still on the board.
If their two inquiries have already been taken by another league member, then a random person eating their pizza at the restaurant gets to pick for “I Missed the Draft Guy”.
That’s how Mitch Trubisky ends up as your sixth-round selection.
Playing Russian Roulette with your fantasy football roster isn’t much fun, is it? Maybe you should show up next time, I Missed the Draft Guy.
The Draft-board Wench has the most dreaded role of the evening, and ends up with the worst team in the process — at least that’s how he feels.
His pizza goes cold, his beer is now luke-warm, and his fantasy football draft strategy is… “Where the hell did I put my cheat sheets? Dammit.”
Adding insult to injury, each player on Draft-board Wench’s radar gets snagged right before he’s set to pick — thanks a lot, Commish — and he’s reminded of that each time he walks up to the dreaded draft board.
Every fantasy football league has a Stat-Geek Guy, crunching all of the numbers and exhausting every variable imaginable. He has the latest fantasy football software connected to the league settings and scoring system.
He’s researched all of the latest fantasy football magazines and has a gameplan for drafting in any position. Stat-Geek Guy also knows what other draftees are going to do before they do it.
I’m convinced that Stat-Geek Guy could get me in and out of Fort Knox in less than 10 minutes, undetected.
He’s also secretly hired by the Commish to do all of his dirty work for the league; covering up all of the sketchy (secret) transactions.
Stat-Geek Guy is so invested in his team during the draft that he forgets he has co-draft board duties, letting the Draft-board Wench do all of the work — while he drafts a playoff caliber squad.
The Gracious Host
The Gracious Host is precisely what his title says. He owns the establishment where the live-draft is conducted. His location is a top-notch restaurant with five-star food, at a two-star price.
He even puts together a solid fantasy football squad, in the midst of all the craziness around him. The Gracious Host is still on the clock. He’s always on the clock.
However, once the draft is over, he’s left with spilled ranch and beer all of his tables and floors.
Then he checks on his employees and finds out that participating in the fantasy football draft came at a costly price.
I hope it was worth it.
The Token Funny Guy
The Token Funny Guy brings laughter, humor, and exciting stories to the draft. He has each fantasy football participant rolling on the floor and spitting out their beer in laughter.
However, the Token Funny is also secretly a genius. He’s smarter than everyone in the room, even more so than the Token Girl.
Next Post: Knicks fan sells his fandom and dignity
He has you laughing, and he’s smiling while he takes your money to the bank — yet no one cares, because the Token Funny Guy reminds you of why you joined fantasy football in the first place.
To have a good time. Winning the league or stacks of cash is secondary to the friendships and laughter you have from the journey of the NFL season; playing fantasy football together.
The BanterCamp 2018 Fantasy Football Draft brought to you by Missouri Pizza Company. Stop by for a slice, some wings, and a cold beverage, and watch your favorite sporting events! Learn more about them here and check out their tasty menu!
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